


A Specific Moment in Time

by makaan



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Also fluff though, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Post 6x05, killian thinks about what he's done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 11:17:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8370157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makaan/pseuds/makaan
Summary: Post-6x05; Killian reflects on the events of the day and he and Emma discuss her why she didn’t tell him about the visions.





	

Killian returned home to Emma pulling plates out of the cabinet, a pizza box sitting on the table. She’d changed into what he’d learned were called sweatpants, and a faded shirt, and he took a moment to himself simply to _watch_ her, moving about so naturally in their home. 

He’d moved in the same day of Hyde’s death, finding that he needed the comfort only Emma could provide after he’d killed Jekyll, his fears of returning to the man he used to be bubbling under the surface. While he’d immediately sat on the front porch, flask in hand, Emma had come to him- reminding him that he wasn’t that man anymore, that he had killed to protect Belle and her unborn child, and most importantly, of her love for him. He still wasn’t used to her expressing her affection for him so openly, after he had chased after her for so long, dreamed about this life they were living for so long (it could be argued that he’d been dreaming about this for centuries, he thought wryly to himself).

But now, again, their happy ending was in jeopardy. Emma had confessed to all of them, to him, especially, that she was going to die. That she didn’t tell them and had been carrying this burden alone for _weeks,_ simply because she didn’t want them to worry, even though it was so clear to him that something had been weighing heavily on her. Even as he watched her move about the kitchen, he catalogued the signs of her fatigue- the slump of her shoulders, the dark circles under her eyes, she was too thin- and Killian mentally berated himself for not dragging this monumental secret out of her before the Evil Queen forced her to reveal herself to all of them. 

Perhaps the hardest part for him was knowing exactly the night when she had received her death sentence- in the cold, alone, that night in the forest, while he brooded at Granny’s. He had tentatively accepted her explanation regarding her shaking hand as “just stress,” but each time it occurred after, the distant, haunted look on her face had set off the warning bells in her mind, but he had chosen to give her space; she would come to him in time, he had told himself. They had been through too much together for her to keep something like this from him now, he had thought.

He had underestimated how much Emma wished to protect her family, himself included, however. The shears suddenly felt too heavy in his pocket, and the ache in his chest returned at the thought of losing Emma- the reason he kept the shears, even after he’d told her he’d thrown them deep into the sea. “ _No more secrets_ ,” Emma had said, and she’d handed him the scissors, asking him to make sure no one would ever find them.

He rowed out to sea, the repetitive motion of moving the oars, the calming, predictable splash of the oars hitting the water calming him ever so slightly, and making him realize he had behaved like an absolute _ass_ after Emma had confessed her secret to him. “ _So you lied to us_?” he’d said in the heat of the moment, feeling betrayed, physically taking a step back. As soon as he said it, he regretted it, but apparently her parents felt the same, as they piled on with their questions- _“Do you not trust us? We’re your family!”_ \- and guilt was added to the emotions already swirling around deep inside of him.

Again, in the forgotten crypt he had let her down again, so soon after her last confession. “ _I think I need to be alone, for a minute,”_ she had said, and he lingered, remembering the last time she had said that to him. Every instinct he had, every muscle in his body said to stay, that he should run over to her and hold her close and say that they’d find another way, that she had brought him back from the dead and he would move heaven and earth to stop this, that he was sorry- but he simply stood and watched her for a moment, and walked out.

Fifteen minutes later, when Henry said he would go check on her, Regina nodding as she consoled a still sobbing, distraught Shirin, Killian stood and wanted to say, “ _No, it should be me, let me go,_ ” but the words died on his lips, and he let Henry go, still feeling numb. Upping his tally of how many times he had let Emma down today, he slunk back down against a tree, placing his head in his hand as Shirin’s tears provided the soundtrack for his self-loathing.

At some point before Emma and her son reemerged, Shirin and Regina had left, leaving him alone, thinking of what to say to Emma when they returned. All of his internal monologues went out the window when Emma and Henry emerged, a stranger in tow, Henry with a hopeful look on his face and Emma wearing a small, tremulous smile, he put the pieces together- _Aladdin_. He was alive, there was hope for Emma after all.

But there was no time for them to talk-Aladdin wanted to find Jasmine, and Emma said she would tell him what happened once everyone was together, her promises of _later_ emerging once more in the never-ending cycle of crises that was their lives.

At David and Mary Margaret’s apartment, he watched as they all rallied around her deciding not to take the safe way and choosing to give her life up to save everyone. There might be a third way, he thought, but why not choose this way, ensuring that she would stay with all of them instead of dying by some cloaked figure’s sword. But he had already hurt her enough, today, so he agreed- _“If that’s what you want, I’m with you, Swan,”-_ and she had taken his hand and _apologized_ to him, after the way he’d treated her, with such a pained look on her face that it made him feel even worse. And then she had given him the shears, trusting him to get rid of them so no one could use them with malicious intent, but he couldn’t. He rowed all the way out and as he pulled the shears out of his pocket to throw them down into the depths, he couldn’t. He couldn’t lose her again, not after they had just taken the next step and had spent so long dancing around each other, not now.

As he rowed back, shears safely tucked away, he realized that he understood just a little better why Emma had turned him into a Dark One back in Camelot- having Emma alive and wanting nothing to do with him was an option that he would choose any day than Emma dying painfully, in front of her family.

Which brought him back to now, quietly observing Emma in their kitchen, clearly feeling the weight of the day, as she leaned against the counter and sighed heavily, looking down,

When he took a few steps, she heard and his heart hurt just a little bit more as he saw her attempt to perk up, putting on a small smile as she saw him.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she said, nervously pulling down her t-shirt, “I really felt like pizza.”

He slides off his jacket and drapes it over the back of the chair nearest to him. “As I said, Swan, whatever you desire is fine with me.” He gave her a small smile, and walked around the table to stand directly in front of her.

“Emma, I want to apologize to you for how I treated you today,” he began, but she cut him off.

“How you treated me? Killian, I’m the one that should be apologizing! I’ve been keeping this secret from you for weeks, and even though I was doing it with good intentions, it wasn’t fair to you. I just- I felt so guilty,” she said, and he could see the tears welling up in her eyes 

“You deserve so much more than this, you deserve a future, and learning that I couldn’t give it to you? It didn’t seem fair to me to tell you and have this hanging over your head, if there was nothing that could change it.” She sniffed, loudly. “I remember what it was like when you were dead- it was unbearable. I didn’t want you to think of what we have as half-over, or something, and-“ it was nearly impossible for her to speak at this point, and Killian takes the opportunity to pull her to him and hold her tightly, as he has been wanting to do all day, ever since she had confessed to him.

Emma’s arms snake around his neck as she cries into his neck, and the tight feeling in his chest returns as he hugs her even closer and tangles his fingers in her hair, running his hooked arm up and down her back.

“Emma, love-“ he chokes out, never feeling as helpless as he has in this moment than he has in his entire 300 years. Not even when Liam died in his arms, not even when he held Milah as Rumpelstiltskin crushed her heart into dust before his very eyes.

“Emma, you don’t have to apologize to me. It is I who needs to apologize to you, for the way I treated you today.”

She pulls herself out of his embrace, eyes red and wet, running her hands down his arms to take his hand and his hook in her hands, and he is catapulted back to their first date-which feels like a lifetime ago- when she had done the same thing with both of his hands.

“Today, when you needed me, I reacted poorly, selfishly. You needed me, and all I could think of was myself and my feelings, how betrayed I felt and how empty I felt just _thinking_ about the possibility of living without you.

“All these weeks, I’ve known something is bothering you, but I should have pushed more; I was so worried. After the initial shock wore off, all I could think of how difficult it must have been for you to keep this to yourself. I wish you would have told me, so you wouldn’t have had to carry this burden alone.”

He took a deep breath, and pulled her hand up to his mouth to kiss it quickly, before walking over to where his jacket lay on the back of the chair. He let out a deep sigh, and pulled out the shears and placed them on the kitchen table.

“I know what I said at the docks. I’m sorry I lied to you, I just- I couldn’t throw away what could possibly be our only chance of saving you,” he says passionately, looking at her desperately. “I _can’t_ live without you, Emma. I need you. I had foolishly hoped that after everything we’ve been through, in our lives, and together, that we would be free to live out the rest of our days together, but it seems that that isn’t the case. And I know you’re probably angry, but I would choose you never wanting to speak to me again over you dying, every day, and-“

Emma rushes over to him as he grips the back of the chair tightly, and wipes his tears away tenderly- he hadn’t even realized that he was crying.

“I know,” she says, “I know. It isn’t fair that this is happening, to you, or to me- to us. I’ve had the same thought.” She places her hands on his chest, new tears in her eyes, and surprises him.

“Thank you for telling me. And thank you for not throwing the shears away,” she admits, “I still stand by what I said earlier, and I don’t know what we’re going to do with them, but thank you for putting me first- what you’ve been doing since you met me. No one’s ever done that for me, been there for me, the way you have.”

Then, she leans forward and kisses him, softly, passionately, their tears mingling together and he pulls her to him once again, more gently.

“We’re going to find a way to save you, Swan,” he says, “We’ve come too far to give up now. I won’t give up on our future.” She smiles up at him, and it hits him just how exhausted she looks.

“Come on, Swan,” he says, stepping back with a flourish and attempting to lighten the mood slightly, “Time for bed, I think.”

“But, we haven’t eaten…” she says, wiping her eyes. He grabs the pizza box and puts his arm around her.

“I happen to have a solution for that, love. Fancy dinner in bed?”

She looks at him incredulously. “You? Are condoning eating in bed? Captain ‘Neat Freak’ wants to eat dinner in bed?”

He smirks at her and leans in a little closer and winks, feeling a small amount of gratification when she smiles. “I’m going to try not to be offended by that. Come on,” he says, leading her up the stairs, pizza in hand.

He deposits her on the bed, with the pizza box and goes to put on some sweatpants- something he truly appreciates about this realm- and he puts his clothes neatly away, pointedly giving Emma a playfully stern look as he does so, her habit of leaving things on the floor something that had initially appalled him and that he’s secretly still working on. As he takes off his brace and hook and sets them on the nightstand- something that he never thought he would casually do in anyone’s company, but he has discovered he enjoys being so open with Emma and as she told him the first time she saw it, she loves him, and all of him- he looks at Emma, who has already started eating a piece of pizza, and is looking at him like she’s going to live up the “eating in bed” thing while it lasts.

He gets into bed and leans over to press a kiss to her forehead, feeling amazed that this is his life, despite the day’s revelations. He shares a bed, a life, with Emma Swan- he is able to kiss her anytime he wants, and she is the last thing he sees at night and the first thing he sees in the morning. After so long alone, after so much time longing to be with her, this is finally his reality, and he is so, eternally grateful.

He reaches for a piece of pizza and Emma grabs his hand.

“I love you, Killian,” she says, looking at him with awe, still holding a half eaten piece of pizza in her hand.

He smiles brilliantly at her declaration, and says “Aye. And I love you, Swan.”

After he’s retrieved a piece of pizza for himself- something else he has grown to love from this realm- he can’t resist, as Emma sinks back into the pillows, clearly enjoying eating in bed. 

“You better not get used to this, Swan,” he says, gesturing between them and the pizza box.

“It’s a _one time thing_ ,” he adds, playfully, giving her a suggestive look, and just barely manages to dodge the small pillow she throws at him, as he sinks back into the bed and leans toward her. The future might be uncertain, but this moment is simple, and theirs, and he knows he’ll do whatever he can to make sure they can do this for the rest of their lives.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic; all feedback is welcomed! 
> 
> I was a little bummed that we didn't get as much Captain Swan in the episode as I'd hoped (hopefully next week!) But of course, if I had any say, it would be all Captain Swan, all the time.
> 
> All characters belong to Once Upon a time; I don't own any of them.


End file.
